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Cooking In Your Underwear Is Not Recommended

Posted by erinlausten on August 10, 2011

If you have ever cooked a multi-course meal you will understand that inevitably there will come a time when each of the dishes need your attention at precisely the same time. Managing multiple irons on the fire with only two hands means ultimately something will get burned, and that usually means you. Timing is a bitch, making sure each comes out perfect AND warm for the meal is an art and requires constant monitoring.

This is where I am with my writing at the moment. I have six short stories and two novels in various states of readiness, all clamoring for my attention. Unfortunately, this has meant my attention has been focused away from you, and I am truly sorry. So I am doing what any good cook does and have called for help. 

A couple days ago William Kendall sent out a challenge to answer a few simple questions about Underwear. Yes. Underwear. I could answer them myself, but honestly, I think about underwear for about two seconds of my day, and usually it is comprised of running around the house trying to remember where I put the clean ones. Not exactly riveting blog material. So I have asked Hailey MacIntyre, the protagonist of my upcoming novel Unexpected, to answer them for me. Please be kind to her, this is her first public appearance and she’s still a little preoccupied with current changes in her life.

But before I leave her to you, please, one bit of advice. Don’t cook in your underwear. Really. It’s bad. Especially bacon. I have seen it go very, very wrong.

Hi! My name is Hailey and I am happy to be here today. (Not really, my boss insisted. She has these dreams that I will become some kind of overnight star and is insisting that I go out and “market” myself. She has rocks in her brain as far as I am concerned.)

Anyway, she asked me to introduce myself, give a little background information and then to simply answer a few questions from William. She said it would be easy. “Just give them a smile and wave” Right. I don’t remember this being in the contract, but whatever.

Alright, so some background about me. I was born and raised in Southern California with my Aunt. I work in cubicle hell in the marketing department of a corporation that I could seriously flip the bird to at any moment. If I have to see one more inter-office memo about people stealing food from the fridge I may bring in a sledge and solve the problem myself. Right (she’s glaring at me, so I must be digressing—again.)

I’m going to keep this short. So, my employment has recently changed. Turns out my dead-beat Dad (the one I never thought existed and seriously, I wish he’d stayed that way) did some freaky shit to my DNA (apparently he’s some genius, but really, he’s just a dick) and now, not only do I have the ability to travel through time, but I am freakishly advanced. At least that’s what my viator boyfriend tells me. Ok, so he isn’t really my boyfriend. We’ve been too busy running away from my crazy dad and his nasty goons. Add on the fact that I can’t control my time jumps yet and you can see how romance is a little hard to get around to. But a girl can hope.

Alright, so on to the questions from William. Who is this William anyway? Ok, she’s glaring at me again, so I’ll just drop it. He better not be one of those freakish twists you put in your stories though. I am really tired of the… yeh, right, I’ll shut up.

1. What do you call your underwear/undergarments? Do you have any commonly used nicknames for them?

Well, some of my girlfriends call them chonies, but really, they’re just underwear. Unless they’re in a bunch, then they’re panties.

Erin, psst. Underwear? Really?

2. Have you ever had that supposedly common dream of being in a crowded place in only your underwear?

Have I ever what? Um, no, never.

3. What is the worst thing you can think of to make underwear out of?

Seriously? Erin, I thought this was an interview. What is with the underwear questions? Right, ok, I’ll just answer the questions. The worst thing I can think to make underwear out of. Aluminum foil I guess. That would suck.

4. If you were a pair of panties, what colour would you be?

What?? Are you kidding me? And what’s with that spelling? Who spells it that way? The British? Oh, right, sorry. Ok, fine. But I want you to know I am answering these under duress. Weren’t you able to get a legitimate interview? Who is this guy anyway?

Grr. Fine. You’re the boss. Alright if I were a pair of panties I would be black, with pockets, to conceal the gun I plan to shoot my author with.

5. Have you ever thrown your underwear at a rock star or other celebrity? If so, which one(s)? If not, which one(s) WOULD you throw your underwear at, given the opportunity?

Um, ok, yeh, so that I have done. I’m not proud of it. It was a dare from my best friend Jason. It was at a Green Day concert. And honestly, I can’t remember if I actually threw it on stage or just out at the mosh pit. I was a little, um, drunk. He won’t let me live that one down.

6. You’re out of clean underwear. What do you do?

I am so not answering this one. No. You answer it. No. I don’t care. You can throw me in a pit of vipers in Book 2. I don’t care. Next Question.

7. Are you old enough to remember Underroos? If so, did you have any? Which ones?

Are those diapers for kangaroos? I don’t know. Next Question.

8. If you could have any message printed on your underwear, what would it be?

Erin Lausten Sucks. I’m trade marking it. I’ll have it up on café press pretty soon so everyone can show you that you suck. Who does this to their characters? Really? What happened to nice interviews? You know the kind that ask: What inspired you? Who’s your hero? Seriously.

9. How many bloggers does it take to put panties on a goat?

What kind of sick bastard are you? That’s it. I’m done. Interview over. Erin, I am not talking to you for a week. I’d rather get chased by crazy time travelers, nazis and pirates.

What do you mean you can make that happen???


Are you interested in knowing the minute my books are available? Send me an email at erinlaustenauthor@gmail.comand I will put you on the list. I promise not to spam you with a constant barrage of sales pitches. I’ll only send information when something new is out.
You can also keep tabs on my progress at my Facebook fan page and on Twitter.


19 Responses to “Cooking In Your Underwear Is Not Recommended”

  1. OMG! I almost fell over, laughing at this one. 🙂 Great post, hon. 🙂

  2. markrhunter said

    Oh, you just gave me an idea …

  3. Great post, Erin…I like how you managed to embarrass your character and also now, somehow I fear for your life now. Watch it…she’s packin’…

  4. No worries, she will be too busy running from the villians to catch me. I have plenty up my sleeve. 🙂

  5. Anonymous said

    That was a very original take on the old underwear blog that was starting to wear thin from too many washings–not that anyone wrote anything boring, I just thought the questions were getting tedious and you nailed it with creativity, gusto and a lot of chutzpah that kept me wondering what you were going to say. Your character sounds like a hoot! I hope she’ll talk to you again.

  6. Aaron said

    Great post, Erin! I needed those laughs this morning 😀

  7. Your character is a real character, Erin!

  8. Mike said

    That was $&%*ing hilarious!

  9. You know, I am feeling a little jealous. Hailey’s getting all this positive feedback. Don’t you realize you’re just adding fuel to the fire? Now she’ll feel validated. Maybe I’ll have her kidnapped by gypsys. Maybe then she’ll learn a little respect.

  10. Shelly said

    Hey, Hailey:

    Contessa and Arthur here.
    C: You’ve got a nice name. Doesn’t she Arthur?
    A: Anything you say, my chocolate princess.
    C: Anyway, we should put a club together about authors who have us do crazy things. They all suck. Shelly Arkon sucks, too.
    A: Yeah.
    C: In her second book she transforms me into a chocolate consuming vampire and seperates me from Arthur. How cruel is that?
    A: Actually she has you kidnapped at the end of the first book and makes me look like a real evil vampire b/c I hang w/ the vamps that rule the world and are all about human population control.
    C: So what do say, Hailey. Want to start a campaign against these crazy authors?

    • hey Contessa and Arthur, I got to make this quick. Miss I’m a fancy pants author is still lounging in bed. I think someone forgot to tell her that you can’t act like a best seller until you are a best seller, but whatever. I’m with you, someone has to start sticking up for us characters. I mean these authors have some kind of god complex or something. Any minute she could get a hair up her (ahem) and decide I would be better off dead. And she could get away with it. It’s just plain wrong. Let me know where to meet, but keep it on the down low, she’s watching.

      crap, got to go. I think she noticed the computer screen is on. Hasta!

  11. Hailey, don’t you just hate it when your author plays tricks with your fate like that? Very, very funny answers… particularly #4.

    As to whether or not I’m a freakish twist, we’ll have to wait and see.

    • You!!! You’re the one! That’s it bud, I’ve got your number. Beware the rath of a pissed off valley girl. You won’t know when, you won’t know how… but someday… someday I will have my revenge!!!

  12. Oh William. I am so sorry. I just got over here and realized I left my computer logged in. I will do my best to control her. Again, so so sorry.


  13. […] eight years old and the woman can still ground me, can you believe it? I suppose I deserve it for misbehaving during my first introduction to you, but I said I was sorry and really don’t believe a two month […]

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  15. […] and I have gotten to know each other in depth. In fact you may have already met Hailey in a previous post. Oh, and in this one too. She’s a spitfire that one and I assure you, we haven’t heard the last […]

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