If you have ever cooked a multi-course meal you will understand that inevitably there will come a time when each of the dishes need your attention at precisely the same time. Managing multiple irons on the fire with only two hands means ultimately something will get burned, and that usually means you. Timing is a bitch, making sure each comes out perfect AND warm for the meal is an art and requires constant monitoring.
This is where I am with my writing at the moment. I have six short stories and two novels in various states of readiness, all clamoring for my attention. Unfortunately, this has meant my attention has been focused away from you, and I am truly sorry. So I am doing what any good cook does and have called for help.
A couple days ago William Kendall sent out a challenge to answer a few simple questions about Underwear. Yes. Underwear. I could answer them myself, but honestly, I think about underwear for about two seconds of my day, and usually it is comprised of running around the house trying to remember where I put the clean ones. Not exactly riveting blog material. So I have asked Hailey MacIntyre, the protagonist of my upcoming novel Unexpected, to answer them for me. Please be kind to her, this is her first public appearance and she’s still a little preoccupied with current changes in her life.
But before I leave her to you, please, one bit of advice. Don’t cook in your underwear. Really. It’s bad. Especially bacon. I have seen it go very, very wrong.
Hi! My name is Hailey and I am happy to be here today. (Not really, my boss insisted. She has these dreams that I will become some kind of overnight star and is insisting that I go out and “market” myself. She has rocks in her brain as far as I am concerned.)
Anyway, she asked me to introduce myself, give a little background information and then to simply answer a few questions from William. She said it would be easy. “Just give them a smile and wave” Right. I don’t remember this being in the contract, but whatever.
Alright, so some background about me. I was born and raised in Southern California with my Aunt. I work in cubicle hell in the marketing department of a corporation that I could seriously flip the bird to at any moment. If I have to see one more inter-office memo about people stealing food from the fridge I may bring in a sledge and solve the problem myself. Right (she’s glaring at me, so I must be digressing—again.)
I’m going to keep this short. So, my employment has recently changed. Turns out my dead-beat Dad (the one I never thought existed and seriously, I wish he’d stayed that way) did some freaky shit to my DNA (apparently he’s some genius, but really, he’s just a dick) and now, not only do I have the ability to travel through time, but I am freakishly advanced. At least that’s what my viator boyfriend tells me. Ok, so he isn’t really my boyfriend. We’ve been too busy running away from my crazy dad and his nasty goons. Add on the fact that I can’t control my time jumps yet and you can see how romance is a little hard to get around to. But a girl can hope.
Alright, so on to the questions from William. Who is this William anyway? Ok, she’s glaring at me again, so I’ll just drop it. He better not be one of those freakish twists you put in your stories though. I am really tired of the… yeh, right, I’ll shut up.
1. What do you call your underwear/undergarments? Do you have any commonly used nicknames for them?
Well, some of my girlfriends call them chonies, but really, they’re just underwear. Unless they’re in a bunch, then they’re panties.
Erin, psst. Underwear? Really?
2. Have you ever had that supposedly common dream of being in a crowded place in only your underwear?
Have I ever what? Um, no, never.
3. What is the worst thing you can think of to make underwear out of?
Seriously? Erin, I thought this was an interview. What is with the underwear questions? Right, ok, I’ll just answer the questions. The worst thing I can think to make underwear out of. Aluminum foil I guess. That would suck.
4. If you were a pair of panties, what colour would you be?
What?? Are you kidding me? And what’s with that spelling? Who spells it that way? The British? Oh, right, sorry. Ok, fine. But I want you to know I am answering these under duress. Weren’t you able to get a legitimate interview? Who is this guy anyway?
Grr. Fine. You’re the boss. Alright if I were a pair of panties I would be black, with pockets, to conceal the gun I plan to shoot my author with.
5. Have you ever thrown your underwear at a rock star or other celebrity? If so, which one(s)? If not, which one(s) WOULD you throw your underwear at, given the opportunity?
Um, ok, yeh, so that I have done. I’m not proud of it. It was a dare from my best friend Jason. It was at a Green Day concert. And honestly, I can’t remember if I actually threw it on stage or just out at the mosh pit. I was a little, um, drunk. He won’t let me live that one down.
6. You’re out of clean underwear. What do you do?
I am so not answering this one. No. You answer it. No. I don’t care. You can throw me in a pit of vipers in Book 2. I don’t care. Next Question.
7. Are you old enough to remember Underroos? If so, did you have any? Which ones?
Are those diapers for kangaroos? I don’t know. Next Question.
8. If you could have any message printed on your underwear, what would it be?
Erin Lausten Sucks. I’m trade marking it. I’ll have it up on café press pretty soon so everyone can show you that you suck. Who does this to their characters? Really? What happened to nice interviews? You know the kind that ask: What inspired you? Who’s your hero? Seriously.
9. How many bloggers does it take to put panties on a goat?
What kind of sick bastard are you? That’s it. I’m done. Interview over. Erin, I am not talking to you for a week. I’d rather get chased by crazy time travelers, nazis and pirates.
What do you mean you can make that happen???
Are you interested in knowing the minute my books are available? Send me an email at email@example.com I will put you on the list. I promise not to spam you with a constant barrage of sales pitches. I’ll only send information when something new is out.
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